Dirty Britches

A few years back over the winter months I was working a second job over night at an independent living facility for the elderly just trying to make ends meet. It was a fairly quiet job with simple tasks and my manager was down to earth and easy going. This particular winter I ended up with a horrible upper respiratory infection and a crazy terrible stomach bug but I don't like calling in so I headed on in for duty. Trying to be a billy badass and not call in was one of my first mistakes of that night. I had already been seen by my doctor and they prescribed a VERY strong antibiotic for me to take and I was on my third day of a 10 day cycle.

All was good in the geriatric hood except for my guts. I tried sipping on broth, tea and eating saltine crackers but nothing was helping. One of my nightly duties was to gather all of the trash from the inside of the building and take it to the outside dumpster, easy enough right? Wrong, so very wrong. I went to the different levels of the building and gathered the trash which smelled like bananas and diapers but at this point I was used to it. I loaded the overflowing trash bags into the cart all while my stomach was releasing a whales mating call.

Once I was able to prop the back door open I drug the trash cart out through the snow and ball slapping wind. I tried to throw the first bag into the dumpster with no luck. Please keep in mind that I am only 5'4" with some busted ass shrubbery for arms. So I try to shove the bag in the dumpster again and the bag broke. I was literally standing in the snow with my pants covered in banana peels, adult diapers, raspberries and champagne (I will explain those two here shortly). I was fucking devastated and gagging. Overcome by big people tinkle pads and my own thoughts. I finally got the rest of the trash in the dumpster and walked my defeated self back in the building. At this point I was trying to figure out how I was going to cover my ass and cooter while washing my pants so I ran out to my car and grabbed a dog blanket that I always kept in the backseat. The more I walked around and tried to piece my life back together I couldn't help but feel the squishy feeling on my ass but I just brushed it off. I went into the bathroom and took my pants off and threw them in a trash bag so I could run them to the washer downstairs. But, even after I took my pants off the felling was still there. Remember I told you that my stomach was upset, right? Well, I shit my pants. It was a terrifying poo-cident due to those antibiotics. I slowly had to peel my no longer pretty panties off and throw them in the trash. I was now wrapped in a dog blanket that was in my car and trying to run down the hallway of an elderly living facility to get to the community washer. I was devastated.

The next morning around 8 am when my shift relief came in I had already had my pants back on and I was trying to play it cool as I didn't want my co-workers to know that the last of my dignity had flown out the window. My shift relief asked my how the previous night was and if it was eventful. I told her it was a "pretty shitty adventure". She looked at me like I had three heads and nipples for eyes. I asked her why the garbage was so heavy last night and why it smelled like raspberries. Yeah, I know I lied about the smell but I just had to know why there were so many raspberries in the trash. She excitedly responded with, "Oh! We had 'senior' prom last night and we put raspberries in the champagne for the residents! They were SO CUTE." Well shit, I bet they were cute. My eyes started twitching knowing that the previous night I was covered it raspberry/ champagne drinks, banana peels and human poo. I went home and took a scalding hot shower to wash away my sins and around 80 other peoples shit.

While I am writing this I hope you have some idea of how hard I am laughing. I hope this brought a smile to your face and a happy tear to your eye.

Chels O.

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